HOW TO BEGIN A FRIENDSHIP VIA THE INTERNET
DO'S AND DON'TS

Matching sites on the internet can provide a wonderful opportunity to find a person who truly matches with your personality, lifestyle, and interests. But good matches require careful pairing of similarities, and very careful perception of possible problems.

Research in social psychology tells us that the more significant categories that two people match on, the more likelihood there is for a stable, long term relationship. A good match requires looking for similarities in factors related to personality, lifestyle preferences, and interests. Value similarities are crucial in good matches. How can you build a relationship with differences in values? Rather, you can build the foundation of a strong bond and lasting relationship if you build on the foundation of shared values. Out of values comes the understanding and integration of what provides meaning to your life. And out of that meaning is derived the mission for your life that you want to share with another.

Always give very, very careful consideration to the information you have about and from another. You can carefully go over all of the answers to our matching questionnaire. It is designed to help you search for shared personality characteristics, lifestyle, and interests. You may not find evidence of problem areas in the answers to the matching questionnaire, but look over the answers carefully. In the essay answers and in the first emails received from prospective friends or partners, you will have a wealth of information. The following instructions will help you sort through it for negative and positive indicators.

With regard to negative indicators:

Writing - Look over the information you can glean from writing style, skill, and content. If the writing is not grammatically correct, does not follow a logical order, or appears irrational, do not respond to the questionnaire or to email.

History - Look over the information that you have regarding the other person's history. Especially in early email communications, you want to hear and consider information regarding history. If information is presented that indicates differences, areas of concern, or questions, think carefully before proceeding. You may want further information regarding areas of question.

Red Flags: Red flag issues relate to alcohol, drugs, criminal history, sex, previous relationships, lifestyle differences, and value differences. These are cause for serious concern. If you receive information that causes any question or concern with regard to any of these areas, you may want to ask for further information or to terminate the communication. Do not proceed or proceed with caution.

Focus on sexuality - If the person communicating with you focuses on areas of sex or sexuality in early communications, do not respond, or email that you need to terminate the communication. Once this focus has been made, the person has revealed to you his or her primary interest. This is not a healthy way to establish either a friendship or a primary relationship.

Subtle cues - Because others may be reading these guidelines also, it is necessary for you to look for subtle cues to problem areas. If you have or feel any question at all, pay attention to your reservations and follow your intuition.

Intuition, question or uncomfortable feeling - In short, if you have any inkling of intuition, any question, or any uncomfortable feeling, either address the area of concern in your communications, ask questions, or simply do not respond. You may find it necessary not to proceed, and to ask the person not to communicate with you any further. Do not hesitate to make this request.

Be aware of what appears to be intimacy, but in reality can be a "pseudo-intimacy" that is taking place from the distance of the internet. Be aware of communications that sound glib, flowery, or too smooth with words - that seem to be inappropriate for the context of getting acquainted.

Be aware that others can present an internet personna, just as people often present a false personna in person, rather that the true self. On the internet, the opportunity is enhanced to present any personna one chooses. Look for inconsistencies or exagerations that do not seem realistic.

Do not: give out your name, address or telephone number until you are confident and have made a thorough evaluation.

With regard to positive indicators:

Your intent - Give careful consideration to your own goals, intent, and expectations. What are you looking for from your matching partners? Are you looking for professional colleagues? Friends for doing local activities with? Casual dating? A partner for a serious relationship? It is very important that you are clear to yourself about your goals and expectations, and that you communicate your intent to your matches early in your communication.

Writing - Look for writing skill, creativity, originality, and humor. Everyone who is functioning in a professional capacity in their work possesses good writing skills. You want a friend or a partner that is skillful in his or her writing ability.

History - It is important to look for shared experiences in lifestyle, family, and history. This will contribute to the ability to bond and to know that you share in many life experiences. A vastly different history is very interesting, but it would not contribute to the areas that provide a good match. There are exceptions to this, so you can keep an open mind with regard to history.

Red Flags - There should be no red flags presented as part of someone's current life. Past red flags are, of course, possible, as long as the person expresses what has been learned from these past experiences, and how their life has changed. To begin a relationship aware of serious problem areas is just voluntarily entering a path of conflict, pain, and regret.

Celibacy - There should be no focus on sex or sexuality in early communications. Before meeting or at the time of meeting, sexual matters could be discussed. A commitment to three or six months of celibacy at the beginning of a relationship, helps the relationship establish a firm foundation of friendship before changing the form of relationship into a sexual and primary commitment. It is encouraged that descriptions of yourselves with regard to sexual interests and expressions be discussed before entering into any sexual relationship.

Subtle cues - It is important that subtle cues as well as direct information all be positive in establishing a good match for friendship or romance.

Intuition, questions, and feelings - Your intuition should be giving you a great big green light. Often your intuition knows before you know cognitively with factual information. Honor your intuition. If all is well, and you just have questions, ask them. Your feelings should all be positive in order to proceed to get acquainted and establish a new relationship of friendship or romance via the internet.

When you fill out your questionnaire, and in early communications, present yourself with honesty. There is no point in establishing a relationship based on a false presentation of yourself. Remember the values of S&P: Honesty, Integrity, and Responsibility.

Remember you are responsible for your decisions. Single and Professional has given you help so that you can make your decisions carefully. We won't wish you "Good Luck", but we will wish you very well in making a very serious and careful evaluation. And then ENJOY!